As much as I try to juggle all that life has to throw at me, I inevitably drop something. I’ve written about it before, but it’s a frustration of mine and often makes me feel like I’m being flitty. That I’m not the person I once was.
You see, I’m not the flitty one. I’m the dependable one. The one that’s always on time (if not early). The one that will always go the extra mile.
At least that used to be me.
Now, I’m the one who forgets to send birthday cards. Forgets about the latest nursery stay and play dates and forgets what on earth I walked upstairs for.
It’s a me that’s been reborn at some point in the last few years and she took me unaware. I didn’t even know that I was losing the former me.
Did I gently lose my grip on her like Jack in the Titanic (she totally let go when she said she wouldn’t)? Or did she vanish like a magician’s assistant?
Either way, she’s not in there anymore.
I think my biggest trouble sometimes is looking in the mirror and not recognising the person I’ve become. I expect to see the old me, but she’s not there and I’m not quite sure who I’m looking at. So who am I when I’m not Mummy?
With most changes in life, you have time to adapt – the choices we make are conscious ones, rather than those that are thrust upon us. Or at the very least, you can see them coming.
After you become a mother and emerge from the other side as a half zombie, sleep deprived shell of a woman, you have little time to contemplate how you’ve changed. Sure, you embrace it in those first few months. Or at least, you don’t notice it. You have a new tiny person who needs your undivided attention – of course you’ve changed, you’re now a mother.
No, what I’m talking about is the years after. The part where you ask, so who am I when I’m not mummy? The time after the dust has settled on being a parent and you actually have a stride. Things become easier which gives you the time to reflect on yourself and start being able to spend more time on you.
She’s giving me the time to look in the mirror and start to really see the person I am now. I haven’t had time until now to really think about it. To reflect on how I’ve fundamentally changed without me really noticing.
Things I’ve noticed include:
- I crave spa days and get ridiculously excited about them.
- I’m often ‘on time’ (not an accolade to really get excited about, nor one I’m adding to my CV).
- I run and actually enjoy it.
- I now enjoy buying flowers (I used to hate flowers).
- I went to Center Parcs and DIDN’T go on the rapids or slides – and didn’t care about that.
Sure, we all change as we get older. That’s a given and is in fact life. But when you do finally focus and catch a glimpse of yourself, it’s inevitable that the person you find isn’t the same one you saw last time you looked.
I’m not sad about the person I’ve become, nor do I morn the person I used to be. I just don’t know her properly yet.
Instead, I want to get to know the new me. I deserve to get to know her a bit better and I think she deserves that too.